Shut up!!!

Sometimes no matter how hard I try the words just don't come out right, I just never get my point across or my feelings expressed properly. It's in my head, but somewhere between my tonsils and my lips it gets all fucked up. I end up wondering why I ever opened my mouth.....blah, blah, blah....I come off sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher. I have thought it all out before opening my mouth but &$(*#@^$(*@&@(*&#, it's like, shit, I just sounded like such an idiot, again. I over thought it, I over complicated it. And besides, it really only mattered to me.

Like tonight for instance, I was trying to say something to a friend. We are starting a photography business together. If it works it works, if it doesn't we will have had fun because photography is something we both enjoy. And what we do together better than anything else is have fun. Anyway, I have seemed almost hesitant but with her being the type of person who jumps right in with both feet I am the complete opposite - I always have to go over and over it in my head, is this the right thing, is this the right time, am I going to be able to hold up my end. After all, she brings into this all the expertise, I am on a learning curve. She is the 'photographer', I am the amateur. She has been in business before, I have not. She has loads of confidence, having been in business before, I don't! I believe she is doing this as much for me as for herself. I do know that she is great at whatever she does, this being no exception and that she would like to get back into it. We got our feet wet before Christmas taking family portraits as a fundraiser for our Home and School and through it all we had fun and realized that our respect for each other makes us a great team.

So all that was what I tried to say to her plus that I am so sure about this and that it just takes me a little longer to get to the point where I am comfortable. And I am not real sure if it is comfortable with the prospect of starting this business or comfortable with my own ability - probably equal amounts of both. But like usual I left her looking at me glassy-eyed and probably wondering what the fuck the big deal was all about. Mind you it was after 11 pm and she is a 'to bed by 9' kind of person.

With all that said and done I thing I'm going back to keeping it inside, less likely I will fuck up and look stupid.

And on the off-chance that our business venture really becomes something, it would be such a boost to the confidence level which has taken a real shit kicking over the years. Plus, I'd like the chance to show my husband that I do more than just 'sit on my ass'. But, that's a story for another time.