I usually always travel with my camera, today was no exception, this is the view I found on my way home from work.

Week two of the new job and I am loving it. Nothing like 'trial by fire' though. I am training while doing. Last issue was a small issue, thank goodness, but his one has 29 pages. But already I am starting to feel more comfortable. Tomorrow I am going to be left on my own, all alone, by myself, no one to hold my hand - as my daughter said, "left alone to make mistakes?", (she's 9) yes...hope the mistakes are few but at least I can still fall back on the fact that I am in training, the editor has been there for 3 years and he's still blaming his screw ups on being a newbie.

School is in next Wednesday. Sarah is dying to know who her grade 4 Teacher will be but I am sworn to secrecy. I am happy to say she will be pleasantly surprised and most of her friends will be with her. She won't find out until the first day back. I almost told her this morning but I will enjoy seeing her face when her name is called to join the rest of her class. The Principal will give a little speech and call each teacher one by one and call off the names of the students of her class to join her. From there each class will head off down the hall towards their classroom. It is always an exciting time. Used to be that the students knew before the first day of school which Teacher they had. The kids used to call each other to ask who they got and if they were in each other's class. There certainly is a lot more anticipation this way.

Shawville Fair starts next Thursday. Kids plan on spending a lot of time there, a lot of money too. If you haven't been to the Shawville Fair you are missing out on one of the greatest little fairs in the Pontiac, "up the line". It's a real agricultural experience with horse and cattle shows, there always very strong showing by our young 4H members. Maria Hawkins will be here - she's a great performer from Ottawa. Always a great source of entertainment and a great way to say 'good-bye' to summer.

Can't believe Ben will be 12 on the 3oth of August. He has asked for 4-wheeling gear, pants and jersey...can't wait to see him all decked out. He's gotten over the fact that he has to start school on or near his birthday each year. This year he didn't even ask for a party. He has asked if his buddy Matt can spend the night - his school gives them a day off on the Friday, which turns out to be the day after his birthday - because a lot of the kids are either 4-H members or skip school to go to the fair so the school has gotten smart and closed for the day - attendance was always very low so why not. We have plans to go out for breakfast on the Friday morning with our friends visiting from Calgary and Kris and her twins.

Friends leave to go back to Calgary on the 3rd., really going to miss them. The girls stayed here for the first week. Mom and Dad came in later. When they left the house was sadly quiet, they fit right right in just like one of the family. Alex and Ben drove to Bristol and took the girls 4-wheeling one day, they all had a blast.

Too bad they weren't back here living, I could see the 4 of them spending a lot of time together - hanging out, 4-wheeling. Alex says he misses them. Emma, the girl on the red bike with Alex punched him in the nose when they were in grade 6 and made his nose bleed. He cried, it's always going to be something he gets teased about - Emma was so tiny and the last person in the world who would ever hit someone but Alex was bugging her so she let him have it. Too funny! Grace says she wants Ben to be her brother, not sure that's how he wants to be thought of, secretly he has always had a bit of a crush on her...they are the two on the blue bike.

Summer has gone by too fast, can't say we had a great summer weather-wise but the time spent has been great.

Back to school

Spent the day in Ottawa gathering up the last bits and pieces of back to school clothing, left the kids at home so I would only get what they need, mission accomplished! I think I am finally ready for them to head back, style-wise that is...I've hit all the fashionable shops and got all the proper clothing to assure that everyone looks their best - and spent way too much money, as usual, even though every year I tell myself this will be the year that I cut back.

Ben has his orientation to High School tomorrow, can't believe he is there - he's just so small and young, he only turns 12 next Thursday. He'll have is big brother there so he won't be alone. His big brother is supposed to be there to protect him, isn't he, guess I should remind Alex of that so he doesn't think Ben is just a "groundhog" - a lowly grade 7.

Even managed to squeeze in a great lunch date - thanks Kris, think we both needed that - for sure I did.

What does being a friend mean?

Does being a friend mean we have to always give? Maybe being a friend means we can sometimes take. Because when we are giving that means that someone is taking and when we are taking we are allowing someone to give.
I've been going around this thought for awhile. I have a very good friend who calls when she needs help, it's not important what kind of help, what is important is that she knows she can call me and I will be there for her, no matter what. But I don't give her the chance to help me as much. It's not that I don't know she will always be there for me, too, because she is the very best at being a friend, it's that I don't want to take advantage of her kindness. She is a busy person who doesn't need to take on any more burdens or tasks. But am I hurting our friendship by not taking what she is offering in the name of friendship? In the past she has inquired about how I am doing and so as not to burden her I just say things are great...especially when they are not and she has made remarks that have left me feeling like I am not upholding my end of our friendship - I am not giving her the chance to help me, to make me feel better, to ease my burden. Friendship can be complicated.
Lately, I've been feeling distant from her. I know that it's all my doing. It's self-preservation, I tend to distance myself from people when I am not feeling quite myself. It seems like the easy thing to do, keep some distance so that I don't expose too much of myself, so I don't become too vulnerable and really, there is only so much that even a really good friend needs to deal with. She knows when I'm not quite myself and I know she has noticed that I have not been very forthcoming lately. I know she has wanted to help, to offer help but I haven't left that door open to her and for that I am sorry. I value our friendship but lately I haven't been holding up my end.
So maybe being a friend means that you have to let people in, you have to take and allow your friend to give.

Mental health day

Exhaustion can take it's toll. It can wear a person down, mentally and physically. It can make dealing with life all that more difficult. Sometimes we need to take a day just for ourselves. I say there should be a "mental health day". It can be difficult to take time away, what we need will always be the most difficult to achieve. There are family commitments, work commitments and everything else in between and there will be sacrifices along the way but it's important to step back sometimes and take a rest and get a different prospective on things. It's not necessarily that we have to go somewhere, getting away can be a state of mind. We think that we are letting our family down if we are not always there for them, but being there for them, in what capacity. Are we doing them any favors if we are so exhausted and worn out that we are incapable of being ourselves. I have a friend that I am sure she probably feels that I am crazy when I say I have to walk away every once in a while but I have to, for me and my family. Because there are just those days when it's difficult to keep it all going and it's healthier to walk away than to stay. It's healthier for me and it's healthier for my family. I can go away, even if it's just for a few hours, and come back in a different frame of mind. There are times in our lives when life gets the best of us - kids, husband, work, commitments...whatever, but all it takes sometimes is to just step away and take some time to regenerate, to come back refreshed and with a new approach to life and it's ups and downs.

Catch up time

It was a girlfriends night. 7 of us met for dinner at Mexicali Rosa's in Aylmer then onto Hull to watch the movie "Stardust". Great movie, go see it.

Tomorrow is day 4 of the new job. I am really enjoying it, I think I have finally found my place. It will take awhile for me to feel comfortable with my ability but it will come with time. All those late night hours playing around learning different computer programs has finally paid off. Today I was Photoshopping, Quarking all on a MAC, never used a MAC before - always been a PC gal.

I know what happened to Harry Potter.

17 more days until back to school. Still have to do some clothes shopping for the kids. Not really looking forward to school starting, kind of like the lazy days of summer and having the kids around. They have been doing exactly what kids should do all summer - sleep and hang-out.

1st. day on the job

Today was my first day of my new job, it was really a day of training. This was probably the only day of training that I will get that doesn't count as real work because the rest will be 'trial by fire', from now on it will be doing the actual work involved with layout of the newspaper.

This is going to take some re-training of my way of working because I don't usually have such a tight dead-line with any work I have previously done. It's different when you know you have a few weeks to work on, say a brochure, instead of just a few days. I've always liked the ability to take my time and re-jig things until I like the layout. I am being told that I should be able to do an article within a half hour...a real complicated one might take an hour - #$@%

I already like who I am going to be working with. Nancy seems like my kind of person. I've already been told that if I screw up too much she will swear at me - sounds like any one of my friends. Dana, the joker of the bunch, seems like she will be fun and easy to get along with. The Editor is a bit of a crack-pot but I already knew that going in having known him or of him for a few years. The hours seem like they will be pretty flexible, I even got my own office key so that I can go in at anytime to get my work done, don't think I will be doing that for awhile though - best to get a few editions under my belt.

My brother dreamed my death

My twin brother called tonight. We were talking about plans he has and about me starting my new job on Thursday. In the middle of our conversation he said "oh, guess what, I dreamed about your death the other night." "How did I die?" "Was I old?" His reply to this one was "how old are you now" he always was a shithead. He thinks he remembers it being from some disease. According to him this means big things are in the future for me. I'm wondering what can be bigger than death?!
He did say it was a good funeral.
Jack Ass!

This could be me. This is me.

This pretty much explains me lately - it was strange reading it because it comes so close to sounding like me - instead of going to bed though I grab my mp3 and go for a walk and try to clear out my head. Having someone to talk to as I walk would be nice but it's hard to tell people how you feel, it's hard for them to understand, I don't really understand it myself. It's so much easier to say "things are good", I've seen eyes glaze over (oh shit, here she goes again) when I try to talk about it. So, I try not to talk about it anymore and at times I distance myself. Distancing seems like an easy solution; not sure I am protecting myself or everyone else.