Gotta love the 'little people'

Don't ya just love when an unexpected chance for 'down-time' presents itself.
Today my friend Kris had a late afternoon business meeting and could not be around to take her daughter to an appointment so she asked me if I could take her daughter. It's a great compliment to be asked to help a friend, it becomes even more special when that friend puts her children in your care. The appointment was for 2:15 so I picked my little friend up at school and headed out. We waited and waited and no one showed up but we didn't really care because we were having 'down-time'. This was special 'down-time' because I got to spend it with a special little friend. It's cool, it's a happy place when you can share time with little people.

I am very fortunate because I get to spend a lot of time with little people. Being an elementary school noon supervisor allows me the time to be with kids and sometimes I get to be a kid myself - that is special, that is cool, that is the most wonderful feeling in the world, to be able to let yourself go and stop being an adult for even the teeniest amount of time. I love snowball fights but we can't have snowball fights at school - so ya gotta be careful not to get caught. LOL! So far we have been very lucky. Although there was the one day all the other adults in the yard turned a blind-eye, as it turned out it was way to obvious what was going on. I hadn't thought anyone was watching but when I got back into the school it was mentioned that I should dress better because my neck was all red and appeared to be cold. Just then one of the other supervisors walked by and casually mentioned that it was red because I had been in a snowball fight. Aha! I know that secretly she would have liked to join us.

Everyday I get to spend time with kids, sometimes it seems like I am surrounded by them - COOL! After awhile you even start to sound like them, in fact somedays I have a hard time speaking to my adult friends because I do so much 'kidspeak'. It seems that kids are my life, what better way to stay young, or atleast young at heart. Wouldn't trade it.

So, my little friend and I had a wonderful unplanned 1/2 hour together. We talked about grandparents and family and friends. We talked about school and homework, we talked and talked and talked. It was the most awesome! My day had begun hectic and there were no signs of it becoming any less hectic so to have that special time to unwind was just what I needed. Thanks Kris, thanks Kaigh. And you thought I was doing something special for you!

Went shopping on Saturday.
with 4 kids
2 - 11 year olds
1 - 10 year
1 - 8 year old
2 were girls
2 were boys
2 were mine
2 belong to my friend who also dared go shopping with 4 kids
"I warn you, I don't want any fighting!"
"I want you to behave like little angels!"
"no begging for toys, you just had Christmas and your birthday. We are still not able to find your bedroom floor!"
"yes, you can spend your birthday money"
"leave your sister alone."
"leave your brother alone"
SMILE, those are your two. Mine are quiet at the moment
thanks goodness for mp3 players and handheld video games
"I told you to eat breakfast"
"no, don't spend all your money in one spot, you might find something you like at the next store"
"No, you'll only eat one slice of pizza. No, you have been sick, you will never eat two."
"full already?! and you have hardly touched your ONE slice of pizza"
"ok guys, we've been to the game stores now let the girls shop for clothes"
"yes, ice cream for everyone" AH, the power of food, atleast it keeps the mouth busy
Money is all spent. Time to go home.
Friend's conversation with husband, "were they good?" "yes, wow, yes they were!"
Friend to me, 'they were good, weren't they!?"
"yes, wow, yes they were!"
"Mom, were we good today?"
"Yes, hon, you were a perfect little angels!"
WOW! That was fun.
should we ever tempt fate again?
hmmmmm,

smell that smell...

Went to my sister's for her son's birthday tonight. Even though she didn't smoke while we were there, she is supposed to be quitting, I came home smelling pretty foul. I came home and changed my clothes right away. YECH!
OH MY GOD! The smell is everywhere - the sofa, the walls, the dishes...she smokes inside her house - with her 13 year old son right there. He smells like smoke, it's in his clothes, it's on his skin. Does she not stop to think about what she is doing to HIS lungs, she obviously doesn't care what she is doing to her own.
I used to be a smoker but I am proud to be a NON-SMOKER for 18 1/2 years. And as my smoker friends will gladly tell you, I am not very supportive of their difficulty in fighting the nasty 'cancer-stick'. I was one of the very few, fortunate smokes who quit 'cold-turkey' and therefore I do not appreciate the difficulty. I am getting better and trying to give my friends their space. I am not giving up though, I am still going to do my best to encourage them to quit. But for a lot of smokers their cigarettes are a crutch and that I completely understand. Can you say booze! NO, I am not an alcoholic, just an occasional drinker, occasionally when I feel the need for a crutch!
But we all have a need - be it cigarettes, a good stiff drink every once in awhile, weed, you name it - we reach for whatever is our comforter, our crutch to help us get through whatever may be our troubles. So, as much as I wish my friends would STOP, I do understand their reasons.

Low man(person) on the totem pole...

...that is what I have unknowingly been delegated to. According to my husband since I am the 'only wife in the world' who doesn't have a decent job and therefore doesn't bring home a decent paycheque then I am the 'insignificant other'. Actually he said I don't have any job and volunteering is useless. To clarify, I do have a job and I do a lot of volunteering, both of which makes me very happy and help me to feel worthwhile, since my husband is not very good at either - obviously!
According to his philosophy, it's not how hard you work, it's how much money you bring home that makes you a person to be respected.
And all because I mentioned he hadn't cleaned up after he ate breakfast this morning and that he left a mess on the floor that the dog made. He walked around it for atleast 1 hour.
But you see, those were my jobs because I don't do anything. "LAZY" being the word of choice thrown at me this morning. @#$%#$ MEN!!!

And what am I to learn from this!

"LIVE WELL...LOVE MUCH...LAUGH OFTEN"

this is the motto written on a bracelet I gave to a very special friend.

It was a "just because" gift, meaning I gave it to her just because I wanted to, not that there was really any reason, other than I love her and the fact the saying on the bracelet is entirely what she is all about. One night while surfing the web I came across the Breast Cancer Site Store and there it was, just the perfect gift. It was also a chance to make a donation.
Lately it appears that quite a few of my favorite blogs are telling stories of family and friends who have been struck with cancer. My friend's mother died a little over 10 years ago from breast cancer. My father had cancer when he died 13 years ago. Technically it was a stroke that killed him but the stroke was most likely brought on by the cancer. A friend's husband is going through tests, hopefully they will hear something within the next couple of weeks. Good or bad, either way, it's at the point that if it is cancer then they can start to do the proper procedures to try to halt it. Right now they are in limbo, any answer is better than no answer.
There is no place to hide, we can't run from it. The only thing we can do is continue to support the cause and maybe one day there will be a cure.

The sun is shining
Have you ever noticed the difference the sun can make
to someone's mood?
It's hard to be gloomy on a sunny day.

They're trimming my son's tree.
For the birth of each of my children I planted a tree. 14 years ago we planted an oak on the front yard. Yes, we knew someday it would have to be trimmed from the Hydro wires. Today is that day. As I write the men are cutting and chopping. The whole family is watching. They are not chopping it down just trimming it...the mighty oak will remain and it will still stand as my son's tree just as proud as ever as a reminder of that day 14 years ago.

Friends
by L. Crocker

We're friends
You and I
We share
Secrets
Feelings
Wants
Needs
Hurts
Pain
We're friends
You and I
We love
Cry
Laugh
Smile
Need
Care
We're friends
You and I
I'm here
When you need me
We're friends.

In true friendship there is no pay back. There is just the knowing that someone is there for you when you need them. To make you smile on days when a smile is hard to make. Someone to support you...

Today I picked up a friend's daughter from school, she had a sore tummy. Mom was out of town at a meeting, that's why I got the call. I took her to her home, tucked her into bed and called Dad. When I went back to school for noon duty the secretary asked me how she was. So I told her we found Dad and everything was ok. The secretary put it all into perspective when she said, "you are lucky to have each other for help". Yes, we are! My friend was here for me yesterday and today I was lucky enough to be around for her. IT'S ALL GOOD!

Friendship
by M. Buxbaum

Because you are
my friend, I have
no lock on tongue
or heart...for you
are me...outside of
me...a separated
part...that laughs
with me and weeps a
tear...if I should
need a tear...or offers
an arm to offset harm...
whenever harm is near.

Just what I needed

Not 1 but 2 friendly voices just when I needed them most.
Hugs, Lora and Kris.

Envy

I envy my friends who have wonderful loving husbands whom they enjoy spending time with. The kind of husbands who would do almost anything for them. I think I envy them more because I used to have one, I used to know what it was like. I am having a very hard time liking my husband these days, so I am far from wanting to spend time with him.

While talking with a friend today the conversation got around to when her poor husband gets home tonight he is going to snowblow their yard. My husband was home from a day spent snowmobiling when I got home. I asked him if he was going to clean our yard. His response was pretty clear - if I wanted it done I was going to have to do it myself. I was prepared for that response.... as much as we hope things will change they have a way of staying the same, good or bad.

When does it get to the point of no-return? When do you just put your hands up in the air and say "I give up, I can't do this anymore!"? You try to make changes but one can't do it alone.

A friend keeps telling me that we have to treat our partners like we treat our friends. Yes, I agree but if my friends treated me the way my husband sometimes does they wouldn't be my friends. So, why do we hang on? Why do we continue on in a relationship that is not as it once was?

Tubing Fun

Loaded up the van and headed to the local tubing hill for an afternoon of fun to celebrate an 8th birthday. The day started out very snowy, which led to anticipation as to whether we should head out on the road but we ventured out and all were glad we did. After tubing was skating. Then it was time to celebrate a girlfriend's 37th birthday. Lots of snow and snowballs. It's a great day when you crawl to bed totally exhausted and glad you participated.

Ok, today was a much better day. I actually got some work done - committee work. I took on the job of doing the brochure for the 2006 session of one of my very favorite committees. I have been having a very hard time getting my head around any sort of computer work after my very understanding husband took a fit one night and threated to throw our computer out the back door because "all you ever do it sit at the computer!" @#$#@ DAH! because that is where I do most of my work. Some people just don't want or care to understand. He-man is the 'breadwinner' and I am the 'little woman' who is supposed to devote all her time and energy to looking after his family. NOT! Actually, that's not really his beef, atleast I don't think so, and if it is - where the fuck did he ever get that idea! I am no ones 'little woman', I am not now or never have I been someone who is going to be told what to do by my 'he-man'. Although, lately he has thrown in my face the fact that he works hard and brings home a bigger pay cheque than I do. Excuse me! But if he paid me, what I am worth, for the work I do just around the house I WOULD bring home the bigger pay cheque. Just wanted to clear that misconception up.

Anyway, had a good day, got some work done. Took the kids out for dessert with my best gal pal and her daughter. Made plans to go tubing tomorrow with same gal pal and our daughters to a birthday party for their friends.

"It's all good!" cleansing sigh

I want - I need - calm, peace, quiet
--an oasis!!!--

Somewhere that problems can't find me
Somewhere that only happiness exists
Somewhere that only my friends can find me
Somewhere that I can runaway to
when I need a break from life!!!

And please, don't tell me this oasis does not exist.

What I am listening to...

EVERYTHING by Lifehouse

find me here
and speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
you are the light
that's leading me
to the place
where I find peace again

you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life
to my soul
you are my purpose
you're everything

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this yeah

you calm the storms
and you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
take me deeper now

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

cause you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything

you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything

you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything

you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

This thing called life can be very hard to live. Hey, don't get me wrong, I love life and I try to live it to the fullest but shit somedays the weight of the world just seems to be sitting on your shoulders, you just crash and burn. The emotional highs can be sooooo high and the lows can be so extremely low. Why can't it just be smooth going all the time.

I tend to think too much, analyze all the time - I go looking for trouble and usually find it!

???

I feel like one great big nerve ending today -
- jittery, nervous, anxious, emotional.

Winter in Quebec

Sisters

I just came from breakfast with my "sisters". For over a year now a bunch of us have been meeting for breakfast every monday morning. We drop our kids at school and head to Hursty's, a local restaurant. We can be two or 12, it's whoever can make it. This has become a ritual that many try not to miss. It is our stress-free way of starting the week. We hate p.d. days and holidays, if they fall on a monday, because they interfere with our breakfast. Our conversations usually run the gamut from our kids to school to work - you name it, nothing is off limits. It is 'our time'. We support and criticize. We laugh, we sympathize. We are sisters!
Very appropriately this is the first email I received this morning:

Sisters

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking
iced tea and visiting with her Mother.

As they talked about life, about marriage, about the
responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood,
the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass

thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.

"Don't forget your Sisters," she advised, swirling the tea
leaves to the bottom of her glass. "They'll be more important
as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no
matter how much you love the children you may have,

you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with
them now and then; do things with them.

And remember that "Sisters" also means your girlfriends,
your daughters, and other women relatives too.
You'll need other women. Women always do."

"What a funny piece of advice!" the young woman thought.

"Haven't I just gotten married?
Haven't I just joined the couple-world?
I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup.
Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!"

But she listened to her Mother.

She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year.
As the years tumbled by, one after another,
she gradually came to under-stand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about.
As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman,
Sisters are the mainstays of her life.

Times passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.

Children grow up.
Love waxes and wanes.
Hearts break.
Careers end.

Jobs come and go.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Men don't call when they say they will.
BUT, Sisters are there.
No matter how much time or how
many miles are between you,
a Sister is never farther away than your
needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to
walk it for yourself, your Sisters will be on the valley's rim,
cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you,
intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms
at the valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and

walk beside you.
Or come in and carry you out.
Our daughters, sisters, sisters-in-law, and "girlfriends" bless our lives!

Our worlds wouldn't be the same without them, and neither would we.
When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no
idea of the incredible joys or devastating sorrows that lay ahead.
Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

Every day, we need each other still.
Tomorrow we will need each other even more.

Shut up!!!

Sometimes no matter how hard I try the words just don't come out right, I just never get my point across or my feelings expressed properly. It's in my head, but somewhere between my tonsils and my lips it gets all fucked up. I end up wondering why I ever opened my mouth.....blah, blah, blah....I come off sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher. I have thought it all out before opening my mouth but &$(*#@^$(*@&@(*&#, it's like, shit, I just sounded like such an idiot, again. I over thought it, I over complicated it. And besides, it really only mattered to me.

Like tonight for instance, I was trying to say something to a friend. We are starting a photography business together. If it works it works, if it doesn't we will have had fun because photography is something we both enjoy. And what we do together better than anything else is have fun. Anyway, I have seemed almost hesitant but with her being the type of person who jumps right in with both feet I am the complete opposite - I always have to go over and over it in my head, is this the right thing, is this the right time, am I going to be able to hold up my end. After all, she brings into this all the expertise, I am on a learning curve. She is the 'photographer', I am the amateur. She has been in business before, I have not. She has loads of confidence, having been in business before, I don't! I believe she is doing this as much for me as for herself. I do know that she is great at whatever she does, this being no exception and that she would like to get back into it. We got our feet wet before Christmas taking family portraits as a fundraiser for our Home and School and through it all we had fun and realized that our respect for each other makes us a great team.

So all that was what I tried to say to her plus that I am so sure about this and that it just takes me a little longer to get to the point where I am comfortable. And I am not real sure if it is comfortable with the prospect of starting this business or comfortable with my own ability - probably equal amounts of both. But like usual I left her looking at me glassy-eyed and probably wondering what the fuck the big deal was all about. Mind you it was after 11 pm and she is a 'to bed by 9' kind of person.

With all that said and done I thing I'm going back to keeping it inside, less likely I will fuck up and look stupid.

And on the off-chance that our business venture really becomes something, it would be such a boost to the confidence level which has taken a real shit kicking over the years. Plus, I'd like the chance to show my husband that I do more than just 'sit on my ass'. But, that's a story for another time.

Happy Birthday

Happy 8th Birthday little girl. You were born during the ice storm of 1998. Glad we lived 5 minutes from the hospital, we had already had 5 days of ice. I remember being in recovery and looking out the window at the bent and broken trees.

You were my third and last c-section. It's true what they say, it gets easier with each birth. On your third day in this world you developed a fever and we spent the whole night in the nursery, well at least you did, I had to come and go from my room to nurse you. I didn't mind though because we were sharing a room with a first time mother who couldn't even hold her baby, didn't want to hold her baby. She always had visitors who would come in to feed and look after her baby girl.

With each baby it becomes less scary. Your motherly instinct just takes over and everything just comes naturally. The nursing, the bathing, the diaper changing - it's becomes second nature.

Today was the all-girl party. Tomorrow we celebrate with family.

Jan. 15, 1998
HAPPY BIRTHDAY

The Flag
by: Barenaked Ladies

The phone rings, it's early, it's seven o'clock,
He says, "Sorry I woke you, but I just had to talk.
You know last night, remember, when I tried to choke you?
I didn't mean it, I was drunk, it was only a joke."
You should know that by now,
When the chequered flag comes down,
No one, no one, no one has won the race.

The next night he's over and over and under
And after he's finished she lies there and wonders
Just why does she need him, and why does she stay here,
And then in the darkness, he'll quietly say, "Dear,
You've never really known.
That when the white flag is flown,
No one, no one, no one has won the war."

They're complicated people leading complicated lives,
And he complicates their problems by telling complicated lies.
He tells her he's sorry. She tells him, "It's over."
He tells her he's sorry. She says, over and over,
"You've never really known,
That when the white flag is flown,
No one, no one, no one has won the war."

There goes a forest and there goes a bluebird
There goes a partridge and there goes a Go Train
There goes an angel and there goes a steeple
There goes a cop car and there goes an eagle
There goes a raven and there go the ribbons
There goes a raven and there go...
The ribbons, the ribbons, the ribbons...
The ribbons of the flag

It's MY FAULT

I am the most amazing person I know. I am personally and wholly responsible for everything that happens within the walls of my home. Isn't it wonderful to be that powerful! And my family is so amazingly kind and caring to believe that I am that powerful and that I am that capable. Ya gotta love their powers of belief!

I will attempt to share with you the extent of my powers -

This morning my 14 year heads out the door on his way to school. A short time later he storms back in the house shouting and yelling at me because he fell on some ice and that it was MY FAULT because I didn't put any salt on the ice. This is the same child who a few weeks ago also thought it was MY FAULT that he tripped over his pant legs. The same pant legs that I questioned him about just a day or so before, wondering if they were not just a tad too long. NO, he insisted that they were just the right length. The same child who insists that it is MY FAULT when he doesn't get his homework done on time. The same child who believes it is also MY FAULT when the printer won't work. This wonderful child credits me for just about everything that happens to him.

My other children think I am just as wonderful. My daughter couldn't find her tamagotchi this morning. MY FAULT. Also MY FAULT when she can't find her hat, I must have put it somewhere just to hide it from her. MY FAULT when she can't find just the right t-shirt.
My other son is just beginning to believe in me. He has always been a little more skeptical of my powers but he is catching on quickly. And my husband is the biggest believer of them all. It is MY FAULT when the house is a mess. It is MY FAULT when the children don't behave and on and on. Wonderful man!

I AM ALL POWERFUL, I CAN MAKE ANYTHING HAPPEN!

Just a winter pic

One of those days...

…you know the kind of day that you wish you had never gotten out of bed for. The kind of day that you wish/hope that you will never see again. But in my case this kind of day is more often than not.

The scenario:
3 kids – 14, 10 & 7 and one husband.

10 am. – asked kids to put dirty clothes in laundry room, wash day. Oldest son can’t because he hasn’t anything to carry his clothes in. Oh yes, did I mention that we cut his arms off! Middle son is busy building some creature – priorities! Youngest child is a 7-year-old girl going on 15 – need I say more. Husband still sleeping, worked the night shift last night – just got home at 8 am. – off the next two days. Me – hair appointment at 10:30 – time to cover up the gray.

11:45 – home from hair dressers
- no laundry picked up
- husband still sleeping
- kids playing games, chatting on the computer

Noon – make lunch

Not sure what time Kris called but it was a much needed break. Always great to hear a ‘friendly voice’.

1 pm. - go outside to shovel snow – 2nd. day in a row. – 3rd. time since last week. HATE SNOW – spring where are you! Continue to try to convince myself that I enjoy shovelling snow for the health benefits. 14-year-old playing video games, trying to figure out how to get his laundry carried downstairs. 2 younger kids playing games, can’t find the sofa or love seat for toys. Husband still sleeping.

2:25 – done shovelling – is that a heart attack I feel coming on. Totally pissed off and feeling really under appreciated and totally alone. Miracles do happen, oldest son has found a way to get his clothes to the basement.

2:45 – husband up. Try to convince my family that I would really appreciate them taking down the Christmas tree. Then I can vacuum and clean up the living room, after they move their presents to their rooms. Actually, I ranted and raved – they looked at me like I had two heads. Didn’t get anywhere with them.
Need to get away – mental break time
Took camera and went for a drive in the country to get some winter pics. Got some not so great shots.

3:30 – home again. Tree still standing. Start laundry before I begin to take down the tree. Strip the tree bare – literally, it was so dry there was hardly a needle left on the branches by the time I was done taking the lights and decorations off.
Convince husband it would be less messy if he wrapped the tree in a tarp to drag it outside. He and oldest child drag it out. 2 youngest help put decorations in their proper places. While I vacuum they continue to play on living room floor, moving their toys around so I can vacuum – so thoughtful.

4:00 – take a few minutes to check emails. A couple from friends saying they can make lunch tomorrow – CAN’T WAIT! We are getting together to celebrate a friend’s birthday – SURPRISE!

4:15 – ask kids to clear out their toys to their rooms. Maybe I do have two heads.

4:30 – decide I’m too tired to cook so I do the next best thing – order pizza.

5:10 – pizza, come and get it!

6:15 – have an argument with oldest son who is outside in garage working on snowmobile instead of taking a shower and getting ready for school tomorrow.
- go to store for lunch supplies. Stop by Mom’s to see if she needs anything – she just lives up the street. Moved there a couple of years before Dad died. Notice that my nephew did a lousy job of clearing her walkway and back step so I start shovelling.

6:25 - Notice time and decide I had better get to the store before it closes at 7. If I have any energy left I will finish shovelling Mom’s walk before I go home.

6:45 – stop to finish Mom’s walk – cursing nephew the whole while. Lazy little shit! He barely made a path the width of the shovel. Damn this snow is heavy. Right arm starting to ache. Can hardly lift it. Maybe too much shovelling for one day but I have a bit of a stubborn streak which won’t allow me to stop.

7:20 – home.
- unload groceries.
- Husband watching tv.
- Standing in yard and crying, don't know where it came from, can't control it - it just happened, so damn tired. I feel kind of pathetic. Don't want to go back into the house, want somewhere else to go to, need to find a really great 'runaway place'. Don't want to face the remainder of the day. Just want it all to go away and for a better day to come. If I were a small child I could have a temper tantrum now and it would be all better. Stomp up and down and scream and shout...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...feel the relief! Feel the release!

Wish someone would come out to help carry in groceries or atleast open the door when I get there, knowing neither is going to happen. Very seldom does.
- Husband comes to kitchen as I enter the back door, tears streaming down my face. Looks at me like I have two heads – common way of saying you’re nuts – but doesn’t offer to help. I blow my stack, tell him I am so exhausted and I just want to cry and that if he is not going to help then please stop staring at me. He turns around and leaves the room. I continue to put groceries away, call him an asshole (in a low voice).
- Oldest son has taken his shower, thank goodness. Wasn’t looking forward to continuing that argument.
- 2 other children still playing on living room floor which is again almost unrecognizable, hardly looks like I did manage to get it vacuumed. Kitchen still a mess from supper.
- Put groceries away. Clear up supper mess.

Husband a real louse sometimes. Funny how they just don’t get it. When we most need their support they are not usually there, at least not mine. I will admit I did rant and rave a little more than usual today but come on, how many times should you really have to ask for help. I don’t ask for help too often because I am used to not getting it and therefore I don’t put myself out there too often, don’t put my pride on the line. Years have taken a toll on our relationship but just when you think things might be getting a little better you get that kick in the pants that tells you NOT! It was just blind hope.

7:45 – more laundry
- youngest finally in shower

8:00 – middle son jumps in shower with his sister. Lots of screaming, shouting and laughing. Too much noise. AHHHHHHHHHHH! Just seems to be echoing throughout the rest of the house. By this time of night I usually start looking forward to quiet.
8:15 – should call Kris, just for that friendly voice, but I decide not to bother her.
- Husband finally rises from the sofa to tell kids it’s time to dry off and get to bed. Goes back to tv.

8:20 – everyone out of shower. Dry daughter’s hair.
- husband watching tv and eating chips

8:30 – can’t believe it but kids all gone to bed. Boys will probably still be awake at 10 but atleast I finally have some space and quiet.

Totally exhausted. Working on 5 hours sleep (6 hours on a good night). I need 8 to truly survive but I haven’t seen 8 hours in many years, don’t know what it feels like.

8:45 – youngest still up. Says she can’t sleep without a night-light – it burned out last night. Dad takes her to bed, she will lie with him till she falls asleep and I will then move her into her own bed when I finally ‘hit the hay”.

Going to bed soon, tomorrow comes early. Won’t fall asleep right away but just to lie down will feel awfully good.

Tomorrow is another day and I have the lunch with friends to look forward to.

So, today was one of those days where it doesn’t matter how hard you try, it just turns out really shitty. Too much noise, no co-operation, exhausted, trying to do too much while exhausted, trying to get rest of family to understand how much I need some help – end up being the monster with ‘two heads”.

Sleep will come!

Fun in the snow

What do I want out of this year?

I want to
- be happy 24/7
- become stress-free or atleast a lot less stressed
- find my way
- except who I am
- like myself
- believe in myself
- learn to let loose, fully (that's for you Kris)
- get some sleep
- appreciate what I have
- laugh more
- learn to take constructive criticism
- heed good intended advice
- listen more
- stop putting my foot in my mouth
- stop pestering my smoking friends to quit although it comes from my HEART
- pay attention to the consequences of my actions before they happen and stop before it is too late
- be less grumpy
- like my husband more (you know that difference between like and love)
- continue to keep in touch with my far away friend
- continue with the photography
- become a better photographer
- learn how to clean (uh, maybe not - never said I was a maid)
- loose weight and get into better physical condition
- learn to play the guitar (will never happen)
- Oh, yes, be more positive (again for you Kris)
- get my eye sight checked - my arms aren't long enough (picture it!)
- continue to make a difference where I can
- and like everyone else - WIN THE LOTTERY AND BECOME STINKING RICH

My horoscope for the day...

"Get serious about your ideas, plans and your future. Make change happen by taking action. New partnership will give you a different perspective. Uncertainties about what you have done in the past should make you want to secure your position now."

Hmmm sounds like someone is trying to tell my something, guess I must be headed in the right direction afterall.