Just thoughts

Hi Lora...

What was that you said,

"Keep taking a visit to your blog with NO updates.....geesss get off your ass."

I am here, just don't know how to write down my thoughts lately.

WARNING: the following content might cause depression or atleast longing for when we were younger and we weren't bothered by anything except for maybe when was the next party and the chance to get drunk.

It seems like there is always something happening. Some of it good but a lot of it is bad or sad.

People die - Vivian lost her father to a heart attack just before new years.
People are growing old...I have noticed my family - mother, mother and father-in-law (my father is dead 13 years this Feb.) are looking older so that must mean that I am starting to look older. Ok, maybe I am beyond the starting phase.....but I know I am not alone, right ladies - Lora and Kris

-I'm not going down that road alone.

But it is not so much my own aging that bothers me...Sarah, my baby, just celebrated her 9th. birthday. We had a party on Sat. with 8 of her friends - 7 girls, one boy. The boy, Riley, being the token male...all the girls have a crush on him. He and Sarah were "going out" until just this past Monday when he started "going out" with her friend Ashley. Going out, what does that mean at 9? I am not ready for this. I thought I had another 3 or 4 years until I had to deal with that, "going out". Is it because she is a girl? I have not had to worry about dating with the boys - Alex is 15 and Ben is 11. Hey, I'm not complaining, believe me. But not having had to deal with this before I have been caught unprepared. She was in tears on Monday over the breakup. I know, she's 9 so it is really not a break up but to her it was the end of the world. How do you make it alright without making it seem silly. Without making her feel that you are not taking her feelings serious. I knew that within moments or even seconds she would have practically forgotten about it but at the time it was the worst thing that had ever happened to her or that will ever happen to her. We're over that now but it just makes me see that she is getting older, not so much the little girl anymore.
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I've been thinking about my friend Vivian lately and about how she is coping with the death of her father. I was there the day my father died. Even though we were not real close it still had a very big affect on me. For months I couldn't sleep without dreaming that I, too, was dying. I would wake up drenched in my own sweat. I would be terrified. I hated going to bed because I knew I would have those dreams. I don't really remember much of the detail of those dreams but I do remember the panic, the dread.
I remember how sad I felt when we drove away from the grave site, knowing that we were leaving him there all alone. I know Kris, he's really not there. But I looked back at the casket, visualizing him lying there, inside that box - alone. We were leaving and not taking him with us, for the first time in my 32 years...and I cried. I remember that being the one and only time I cried over my father's death.
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Today I almost stared death in the face again. My friend Kris called asking me for two favors. One, she needed the number of the local Vet. She couldn't find her phone book, she can never find her phone book. I saw it there once though. The other favor was, depending on what the vet said, she might need my help to get Riley, a big old chocolate lab - definitely one of the family - into her Jeep. Riley has already been diagnosed with a very bad heart. (Last fall the vet said it is very hard to tell how much longer he has.) This along with seizures. But to look at him you would never think he was anything but healthy and happy. He comes at you with his tail waging, his whole body waging...many a time I have been at Kris' doing something on the computer and he has made himself comfortable at my feet, making me feel like I belong there. Riley is 12 year old daughter Kaigh-Anna's best buddy. What time is the right time for your children to say 'good-bye' to a pet that is no longer just a pet? Do they see him suffer? Is this the lasting impression they need to witness? Is it better they say good-bye before or after he is gone? As parents, is that a decision we can make?
We bundle Riley up and carry all 100+ pounds of him out to my van and I know we are both hoping he does not die in my van. By this time he's already had 3 seizures. More than he has had at one time. At the vet's office they are waiting for him. Kris and I carry him into the room and lay him on the floor. His heart is beating so fast the vet cannot count the beats. The seizures keep coming with no let up. How much can this old boy take? How strong is his will to live? The vet gives him a needle to calm him, hoping once he is calm his heart will start to beat properly. She then slowly administers a shot of valium, hoping to further calm him so his heart can get a chance to rest. He stops breathing. He lifted his head, licked his nose and fought to live. He is not giving up. The vet is giving him compressions to start his breathing again. The seconds go by and nothing, no breath. Kris is telling him he has to breath for Kaigh-Anna. She is rubbing his nose, soothing him. The vet is doing her best to keep him alive. Her assistant runs for more medication. After what felt like forever but was in reality probably 1 0r 2 minutes he breaths. We all breath. I don't know if I was holding my breath but I remember giving a sigh and the vet's assistant taping me on the leg and telling me I can breath again. Tears are on Kris' cheeks. Tears are welling up in me. You could feel the relief in the room, we had witnessed a great will to live.
I came home and hugged my own dog, the pain in the ass that he is. And he got two milk bones instead of the usual one.
Later that day I got a phone call from Kaigh-Anna..."thanks Bonnie".
I could say I really didn't do anything. You know how we all get modest and say "ah gee, I didn't do nothing more than I was asked to do. It was really nothing." But I won't say that this time because I am fortunate to have had any part in helping Riley and his family. To do anything less than acknowledge any help I gave would somehow not do Riley's 'fight-to-life' justice. And there is no way I could tell Kaigh-Anna and Matt (Kaigh-Anna's twin brother) that I felt I had done nothing...because that would belittle what Riley went through and to slough it off would imply the day's events were not that important and/or that I wasn't willing to do anything I could to help. And I know that whatever I did meant an awful lot to them.

Hugs...

It's beginning to look a lot....

Come on, sing along with me....

It's beginning to look a lot like SPRING - WHAT! Yes, all that snow that fell is disappearing fast. We're having warm temperatures and rain. Santa may have to put on a wet suit to deliver presents in our part of the world.


We'll get plenty of the cold stuff when it does finally come but at least a white Christmas would be nice.

I remember one year when I was a kid we almost had a green Christmas. Now, living in Quebec that is something that is very rarely experienced. Dirty brown stuff was sticking through the disappearing snow patches. We lived on the farm at the time so we saw lots of dirty brown stuff.

Especially as a kid, we wanted snow. My grandparents lived across and down the road from us. They walked to our house because they felt it was safer to walk than to take the truck out on the roads. My brother and I went to meet them because we were so afraid one of them was going to fall and get hurt. We all made it back to the house unscathed.

I wonder what next week will bring.

Tree hunting party

It's that time of year again, a time we all look forward to and talk about with great anticipation...the tree hunting day. A day we gather together, new friends and old at Sandra and Harry's for an all you can eat brunch, we all bring way too much food, and then after eating far too much we don our winter wear and head for the bush. This year we didn't have to go as far, the old gentleman we buy our trees from had gone ahead and cut some trees for us...he anticipated the winter weather and was worried some of us might not be able to maneuver through the snow. Not sure if it was the vehicles or the people he was worried about. At first we lamented, well some of us, that we would not be going for a hike through the bush but Kris soon changed everyones mood when she started a giant snowball fight. Yes you did!


Yes, as much as Kris, the biggest kid of the bunch, insists she did NOT start the snowball fight we all know, and agree, who was the instigator.

(this is a 'get Kris' moment)

Until Friday we didn't have any snow and then we got just enough to make the day complete. It snowed all Sunday afternoon, making it all the more festive and fun. This day has become a tradition, one that I know all of us hope lives on for many years to come.

and it just keeps on snowing....this is a half hour after the previous photo

Winter has arrived

Lora, you will be happy to know that we are finally getting snow. It's only -3 but compare that to yesterday when it was a balmy 15. Yech! Ok, so the snow looks pretty but it means COLD! I am a 70f and higher kind of person. Only 3 more months till SPRING!

Sadness

Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you.

If they speak, you break down.

~Bede Jarrett

So, what do you say when a friend looses her child. A child not yet born. A child she never had the chance to hold in her arms. A child just hours, moments from his/her birth day. A child she will never get to know. A child she will love for the rest of her days.

You say nothing, unless she asks you to, because nothing can or will make a difference. But, you can be there if and when she needs you to be.

"Friends are the pillars on you porch.
Sometimes they hold you up, sometimes they lean on you,
and sometimes it's just enough to know that they are standing by."
author unknown

Growing up

It's tough growing up.
It's even tougher when you're a parent, an adult, and you realize that there is no end to growing up.

And tougher yet is the realization that with growing up comes an endless amount of learning. Learning to be a good parent. Learning to be a good spouse. Learning to be a good friend. Learning to be all that you dreamt you were going to grow up to be. Learning that you may not have grown up to be what you had dreamt you would be.

When you're a kid you can't wait to be an adult because then life is so easy. You are the boss.

Until you grow up and realize that growing up is not as easy as you had thought it would be.

But with learning we grow.

So, do we learn to grow?
or
Do we grow to learn?

Any piece of knowledge I acquire today has a value at this moment exactly proportional to my skill to deal with it. Tomorrow, when I know more, I recall that piece of knowledge and use it better.

– Mark Van Doren

Hi Lora

You called at just the right time tonight, while I was trying to write a good-bye to a friend.
You called just when I needed to hear from you, just when I was realizing that we don't stay in touch. We as in friends and family, we as in people that we love and care about, we as in friends who are far away.

It's been weeks since we've talked. Even if it's just long enough to say "hi, how are you", that's all it takes.

I am going to make a promise to myself to get back intouch with friends that I have been out of touch with for far too long. Friends are an important part of our lives. We need to keep them in our lives

Kris, thanks for stopping by at just the right time. You always know when is the right time.

53

Got news that a friend had died today, Marilyn was her name and she was only 53 years old. Two girls, the youngest just leaving home to attend college. Marilyn just started a new job she really loves. Just got her house decorated the way she has always wanted. Just getting things working with her husband after many not so good years.

She found out this past summer that she had a tumor. There were problems with her liver and lungs. Went in last Friday for surgery to have one lung removed. She went into a coma and died. Turns out the cancer had spread to her whole body including her head. She was brain dead when they took her off life support. Her heart was still strong but it was time to go.

53 years old!

I knew she was having surgery so when her sister, my friend through whom Marilyn and I became friends, called today I thought she was going to tell me good news. Well, as good as it gets when we're talking about cancer. But to hear that she was dead left me speechless. I could see her, I could hear her. I couldn't believe she was dead. She was such a vibrant person, so full of life. Never said never. What a shame. What a lose. I will miss her

I haven't seen her in nearly 4 years. We should do a better job of keeping in touch. Moments become days, days become weeks, weeks become years.

53 years old!

Being a Victim

My 14 year old son, who couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag, was beat up at school today. He was beaten up by a kid who thought he had been saying things about him. At it turns out another kid had done the talking but said it was my son. So my son, who has been taught not to use his fists - maybe we will have to re-think that, self-defense might not be such a bad thing afterall. Anyway, get a call from the school's vice-principal asking if Alex had made it home from school yet. Everything was ok, Alex was ok, he was in a fight. Actually, he never got a chance to fight because the other kid jumped him, threw him to the ground and started punching on his head and face. Alex's friend came along and threw the other guy off him.

My son got a one day out of school suspension and the other kid who did the beating got 3. The boy that caused the trouble, as usual, he walked away. And I can imagine the smirk on his hateful little face. Yes, I can imagine the smirk because I have seen the smirk before. I have been a victim of that smirk.

I want to see this boy, the one who lied, have to take responsibility for his actions. This is the same boy who has been bullying me for the past 4 years. The same boy who got caught 2 years ago doing mischief and lied about who he was - he gave his name as my son Alex, even went so far as to name the father. This is the same boy who has been caught numerous times doing damage in our town - breaking things, destroying public property, being apart of harassing calls to my house, has given me the finger on more that one occasion. Called me names. Bullied kids at school. This is the same kid whose mother always defends him, as any GOOD mother would do - the difference being that this child is guilty and this mother bullies anyone who accuses him. I have heard of grown men, twice her size, who refuse to talk to her about her son because they are afraid of her. I have heard her described lately as "ugly" and that person didn't mean her physical appearance - she is simply an "ugly person", characterwise.

Recently her son was seen doing mischief & the events were reported to the parents. The mother went around to an innocent person and commenced ranting and raving at him for accusing her son. Now this person had no idea what she was talking about, although he lives in the vicinity where the damage was done, he had not witnessed anything. Imagine, instead of this mother taking control of her 14 year old son she refuses to accept that he really is the monster everyone else knows he is. She blames everyone else for his problems. She blames the school, she blames the teachers and supervisors. She blames the eye witness'. Everyone is just out to get her son. No wonder this child is the way he is. And no one calls the cops because they either don't want to get involved or they don't want to deal with the mother. So this child thinks he is invincible, no one can touch him.

This boy used to be my son's friend. They started in kindergarten together. They had sleepovers, birthday parties, play dates until grade 5 when this boy turned into this monster who only wants to hurt & destory. He ate at my house. He slept at my house. He was welcomed into our family.

What happens to a child to make him change so drastically? Where does so much hate come from?

Is he hurting my son because of how he feels about me? Is this all about me? This is a child who was under my charge as a noon supervisor in elementary school who took great exception to me not allowing him to bully the other kids.

So if he is hurting my child as a way of getting back at me I will see him at the end. What goes around comes around and I am waiting for that day.

No matter how much things change…

I was privileged to be asked to host a friend’s girls for the weekend which included picking them up at the airport. I was worried about the airport because Lora, the Mom, is constantly telling me how much the girls have changed. I was afraid they had changed so much I wouldn’t recognize them. This friend and her family moved to Calgary last year for her husband’s job. It was a big move, a lot of changing for the friend and her girls. They left their friends and their home, the later of which was something that had taken awhile to find - a breathtaking place on the Ottawa River – home also included acceptance of them and by them of the little village I like to call home. When asked last night how Grace liked Calgary her response was that it was ok but it wasn’t Shawville.

Scene: the airport – Ben and Sarah had gone with me, they wouldn’t have missed it for anything, and they have been waiting for this day for weeks. We arrived at the prerequisite amount of before time, who wants to be late picking someone up at the airport. That would be the worst feeling in the world, especially knowing you were entrusted with your friend’s most treasured possessions. I would never forgive myself if I had been late…to add to the relief that I was on time was the fact that their plane was delayed by 10 minutes, phew!
So, plane lands and the passengers start to disembark. Not only was I worried that I might not recognize them but hey, would they recognize us - after all, it has been a whole year. I supposed I have not changed all that much, slightly different hair, 13 or so less pounds but they will definitely recognize Ben and Sarah. First two girls off the plane, is that them? NO, Lora said Emma had gained like 20 lbs and that Grace was pretty much the same size – these two were almost the same size, definitely not them. Next two girls, NO, smaller than when they left – for sure not them. How many pairs of girls are on this plane, just my luck, more than one set. Finally, Sarah spotted them. Ok, Emma is a little taller and not such a little girl, more like a young woman and Grace hasn’t changed all that much, gotten a slight bit taller and starting to make that change into a young lady as well. Hugs and welcomes. A few seconds of nervousness on all our parts, let’s get the baggage that will give us all time to re-adjust. A few short steps to the baggage claims area and that is about all the re-adjusting anyone needed. Conversation comes quite easily – how was the flight? How is Mom? Bet she wishes she were here now – for sure! Anyone hungry? It was just like old times, a year seemed like only a few shorts days ago. There was teasing about the heft of Emma’s bag, or lack of which as Grace and I tried to convince Emma she was just a weakling. Ben got teased about having his first zit. Oh yeah, forgot to mention we had a great laugh over the fact that we were looking for Grace’s black suitcase which turned out to be blue. We wondered how many times it travelled the carousel before she finally realized. We were having such a good time, we never really noticed. Too funny!

Stopped for food, hmmm, healthy food. Salads, veggies…nothing like McDonalds – no didn’t go there. Hear that Mom! Healthy!

It wasn’t long before I heard “Ben, it’s only been 15 minutes and you’re already bothering me!” This from Grace who is sitting in the middle of the van with Ben sitting behind her…hardly too much like old days. Ben and Grace are the same age - 11, spent two years in the same grade, same class. Slight crush on Ben’s part. AHHHHHHHH!

That first night I had plans to go out to have birthday cake for another friend’s 40^th. Kids didn’t mind and it would give them all a chance to spend some quality time getting to know each other again. Emma plunked herself down on the sofa to watch music videos. Ben, being the only guy for the weekend in a houseful of females, had a friend stay over so he didn’t feel completely out of place. Dad and Alex had already taken off to the camp for some 4-wheeling. A couple of Grace’s friends came by. Everyone just seemed to pick up where they left off. It was just like old times.

Sunday was a planned trip to our cottage with one of Emma’s friends and the friend’s mom – Heather (girl) and Sandra (Mom) who also happens to be my friend as well as Lora’s. Emma wondered how tall Heather was now. Emma and Heather, 14, are friends with my oldest son, Alex. First thing they did when they got to the cottage was to compare heights. Heather’s still slightly taller and probably always will be. There was no awkward moment between these two. Again, it was just like yesterday. Really, as Sandra pointed out, there shouldn’t be any awkward moments between friends and so right she is…true friends can always find each other, they will always be together, no matter the distance in time and space. We noticed that these two always manage to just be themselves with each other. You know how there are some people you just can’t be yourself with, not the case here. They are completely comfortable being silly with each other, and really isn’t that the true test….who better to be silly with than a real friend.

It was hard to leave the cottage, everyone was having so much fun. There was food, who could forget the s’mores, water fights which somehow Sandra was the only one who managed to stay dry and a trip down the lake in the paddle boat, complete with camp songs to entertain everyone within earshot. They swam, played in the mud, ate junk, played games in the cottage, laughed, joked, talked, teased. There was a pine cone fight, I hear wet pine cones really hurt, someone got locked in the shed, someone else got locked in the outhouse - EW! it was all good.

Alex was home ahead of us. First thing Emma said to him was that his voice was deeper. He just smiled, walked past her and started to help clean out the van. Something to note, Alex wouldn't normally help clean out the van. He has been like the rest of us, patiently/impatiently waiting to see how much they have changed. After spending a few hours with Heather and Emma watching movies he agreed, Emma hasn’t changed that much, She is still Emma, she is still exactly as he remembers her.

There is now a party planned for sometime Saturday with more friends. Life is good!

So it is true, the more things change, the more they stay the same! Thank goodness!

Been to the cottage...

With my father-in-law threatening to sell the family cottage, which he owns and maintains - but really, one day it could be ours, we are trying to get in as much cottage time as possible. Secretly, I don't think he is really serious - I hope not!

OMG, I needed this weekend of relaxation. I even managed to get in some reading time - big joke is that the last book I read took me 4 years. I highly recommend 'The Mermaid Chair' by Sue Monk Kidd. Bought it Wed. at Chapters and finished it on Sunday while lazing in the sun...beautiful gentle breeze coming off the lake...need I say more.
Doug, Alex and Sarah did a lot of fishing while Ben and I did the reading. So surprised, actually, that Ben had taken his book and that he would often come sit along side me on the dock to read. How many times did we both comment on how quiet and relaxing it was.

Kids woke Sunday morning at 5:30 to check out the lake...Ben rushed in to tell me I needed to get out my camera and take some pics of the mist rising off the lake. Of course, I couldn't resist. Alex and Jack even tried some onshore fishing in the early hours. Jack is becoming quite the fisher-dog...everytime someone grabbed a pole he was right along side. Didn't miss a ride in the boat either. And how many times did he chase the four-wheelers!? By Sunday afternoon he was a wasted doggie.

And what is a trip to the cottage without a campfire and s'mores.

Good to visit but better to be home...

I highly recommend a portable DVD player when traveling with kids...hardly heard a peep out of them the whole way to Toronto and back again, 4 1/2 - 5 hours each way. Thanks to Kris for the loan, I didn't have to leave anyone of the three on the side of the 401.

First stop, Toronto Zoo. Hot, hazy and humid...that pretty much tells all...even the animals were feeling the heat - they weren't real receptive to their many visitors. I sadly realized that this was most likely our last visit to the zoo. Alex, being 14, really wasn't into it - been there too many times already. Ben was a little more interested and Sarah, well as she put it - "the last time I was there I was too small to remember". But really, how many times can you revisit the zoo without it becoming ho-hum. Oh, well, we realized there is so much more to Toronto that we have yet to see so future visits will mean more places to explore and as the kids grow their tastes change so, onward and upward...still sad - means everyone is growing up.
Ben and Sarah could hardly wait to reach the 'splash zone' and with it being so hot the rest of us were just as anxious.


Casa Loma was Sarah's pick of places to visit. Lady Mary Pellatt was the first Commissioner of the Girl Guides of Canada so that sparked Sarah's interest since she, herself, is a Girl Guide - 2nd. year Brownie to be exact. So she had to take lots of photos to take back to her troop. Unfortunately because of the rain we didn't tour the gardens, which are amazing. We took turns borrowing my brother's umbrella for a quick peak.


Bass Pro Shops, need I say more...we had to throw in one destination for the guys. Ok, I will admit, Sarah and I loved it too. It is an experience all in inself, even during rush hour on friday night.

My favorite place in Toronto is Harbourfront Centre. What a bustle of activity, all on the water. But even with all the activity going on it is still such a relaxed mood. People strolling along the boardwalk. Buskers performing, music all around, ferry moving people to and from the Islands - if I lived in Toronto this would be my place to hang out.w

We ran out of time and energy before visiting the Distillery District, but it is high on my list of things to do next time...my brother's response when I said we would save it for next time - "you're coming back?" Don't know how to take that.
The Beaches are a favorite spot for all of us. We usually save a trip to the Beaches for when we are all exhausted and need a place to relax.

With 1100 K. on the van and almost as many on our feet everyone was glad to be home, Toronto is great to visit but our little quiet village is the place to be.

It's written in the stars

My astrology for today, according to the Ottawa Citizen reads:

"A sudden change in a friendship or association will leave you surprised. Be willing to let some things go in order to make room for the new people, places and things."

Wow, which friend or association will be making such a change? What will I do about this? I can't just let this go. This has had me on pins and needles all day. Haven't heard from a particular friend, she usually calls at least once a day, maybe she is the one. What will I do? This will change my life in ways I am not prepared to deal with. What do I do? What do I do?

Honestly, do people really believe these things! Imagine if we let this sort of thing rule our lives. We would be the walked wounded, the forever paranoid.

OMG, which friend!

Spent the day at the cottage. I feel so much better. I did nothing but relax.
The boys slept. Doug, Sarah and Jack went paddle boating, fishing, swimming...basically everyone left me to myself - which never happens. I must have looked as bad as I felt.
Plugged my mp3 into my ears and sat and listened and rested. And since I was left to myself I sat on the shore all afternoon in a very comfy chair. I finally finished a book I have been reading for 2 weeks. Got a chance to read the newspaper, entirely. Only got up when I felt like it. Stuck my feet in the lake, sat back down and relaxed some more. And I even got time to take a few photos.

If only every day could be like this,
just what I needed!

What a day!

Sleep doesn't come easy!

I feel like a puppet on a string, so afraid that someone will cut my life-lines and I will crumple to the ground. It is difficult to do the simple task of standing. I feel as if my legs no longer have the strength to hold up my body.
I used to sleep like a baby. As a teenager I could go all night and sleep all day and even without proper sleep I would still continue to go because, as teenagers, that's what you do - party till you drop then get up and go again. It's strangly amusing that as an adult we continue to do the same only it's no longer partying, it's living, it's mothering, it's working and existing.
I can no longer survive on 5 hours a night. I usually wake up just as tired as when I went to bed. My life has become a routine of sleepless nights.
A friend said "I don't know how you function!" For the 1st. time I admitted, out loud, that I am not functioning, that most days I am only existing in a body that struggles to hold me up.

Losing my mind!

Mid-life crisis, pre-menopause, stress, or stupidity - not sure what my problem is - maybe all of the above.
I freaked out at one of my son's friends tonight.
It's a long story and one that I thought I had survived but after tonight I am not so sure.
I am a noon-supervisor at my kid's elementary school. Over the years I have come across some rather unsavory characters.
Boys will be boys! How many times have I heard that remark?! Well, as an answer, I have two boys, my friends have boys, my brother was once a boy and they never would have thought of making someones life a living hell. I have gotten harassing phone calls, my kids have been taunted and teased, I am verbally taunted when I walk, drive or bike down the street. I've had my windows banged on. I've had mothers tell me it is all my fault, that their boys are 'just being boys!", that I have picked on them in school. Sorry, if I have a problem with not letting kids beat up on other kids. Sorry, if I take exception to being called names on the playground. Sorry, if I stand up against bullies. Considering I am the one being harassed, who would you consider to be the problem? And these boys are no longer in the same school where I work but they are still causing me problems.
Well, back to tonight. I had just gotten up and walked across my living room to go into the kitchen to let my dog out the back door when I saw a bunch of kids walking up the street. Today is Canada Day and there are people about so I was watching them go by when I noticed one of them duck under some trees at the edge of my property and I heard my name mentioned. Needless, to say I am a bit cautious when I see a gang of kids...I live in a small town and I know all the kids - so in this gang of kids I saw one or two kids who have, in the past, have been with the "bunch" that has caused me problems. So as I approached my open front door they ran. Naturally, I thought they were up to something. They didn't stop, they kept on going up the street...or so I thought. I mumbled to myself that they were just a bunch of little shits and continued with my intended job of letting my dog outside.
So, out the back door Jack and I go. I tie him to his leash and decide to have a seat on the back porch to enjoy the last few minutes of daylight. That's when I could have sworn I heard my name mentioned and noticed a bunch of kids in the neighbour's yard. I realize these kids cut through the backyards to get to my neighbour's. The neighbour's son is a friend of my son and from time to time some of the "bunch" that has caused me problems will hang out at his place. My son's friend is a good kid. I have been around enough kids to be able to tell the good from the bad.
Next thing I know this bunch of kids start coming towards my house via the neighbour's backyard. I am sitting watching, waiting to see what, if anything, will happen. I get up so they can see me and hopefully their seeing me will deter them from doing anything. As soon as they see me they all scatter. The one kid that is left, and not running is my son's friend so I call him over to my yard and I immediately begin to act like a complete lunatic...yep, I lost my beans, I ranted and raved and told him I thought he should know better than to hang out with that bunch of kids and that he should pick his friends better. I went on to try to explain that over the last 3 or 4 years some of those kids have made things very difficult for me (he is new to town, only been here a little over a year) and that I have in the past called the cops and I have been told by the police to continue to call them if I have more problems and that I would hate for him to be with these kids when and if they do something stupid - good kids hang with bad kids but that doesn't make them bad kids too, just makes them kids...wrong place at the wrong time.
I said that I had heard my name mentioned and that I wasn't having anymore of their trouble. He told me he didn't remember hearing my name but heard them say Bubba, my son's nickname. Bubba - sounds close to my name so thinking this kid is a good kid I start to calm down, start to feel like a complete idiot, start to realize I might have made a mistake, I might have overreacted. Ya think!
He tells me they were just cutting through the backyard on their way to the fireworks display at the fair grounds, couple of blocks away. So, I picture the kid in the front yard moments before ducking under the trees, most likely he is trying to find a safe place to cut through the yard to get to this kid's place before going to the fireworks. And I picture the same bunch of kids cutting back through the yards to get where they are going. And then I picture this same bunch of kids, with the neighbour's kid who I know has been told before to not cut through the yards and to stay off other people's property (told by his parents), figuring they were going to get into trouble for cutting through the yards...shit! I am an advocate for safe kids. I will go out of my way to make sure kids are happy, healthy and safe - afterall, that is the attitude that got me into this trouble - I believe in protecting the innnocent. Here were innocent kids, having gotten together to have fun by watching the fireworks on a beautiful summer night, at the beginning of their summer vacation doing what comes naturally to kids - getting where they want to go as fast and as easy as possible and I wasn't even part of their plan - leave the crazy lady alone is what they will be saying from now on.
If I could have fallen off the face of the earth I would have. If I could have erased the last 5 min. I would have. Here is this poor innocent, good kid looking at me like I have lost my mind. He apologizes for going on my property. By this time I am calmed down enough to tell him he has nothing to apologize for and that I owe him the apology. I continue to tell him how sorry I am and that he can walk through my yard anytime he likes, just watch out for Jack's rope - after all this I would hate to see the poor kid clotheslined.
STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! I thought I was over it all, nothing really bad had happened for about 6 months but apparently not. I know it has really shaken me up in the past but this really made me realize that I have to let it go, that I have to forget about it. I can't change it, I can try to stop it but with a different approach. No more expecting the worst, no more thinking they are out to get me...and in doing so I am taking away their strength. Right? Right!
And to make myself appear to be a responsible adult who knows when she has made a mistake and knows when she has to correct it I knew I had to seek out these kids and apologize. Little did I know that I would continue to sound like a raving lunatic. Note to self, when you are upset, take a day to calm down and get your bearings...don't go trying to make amends when you are still upset and cannot control your feelings. You come off sounding like a blathering idiot.
Now I have to go and try to explain myself to the neighbours - the good kid's parents who happened to come to the door while I was talking to some of the kids on their front step. (the mother said to her son "who is this person?" I know she was thinking why is she almost in tears in my yard, while talking to these boys. PICURE IT, IF YOU WILL!) I need to try to explain to them that I really am not so crazy, that I was just very upset. That I was on the verge of tears because I was upset with myself for being so stupid and hard on these kids and that I wasn't over the problems as I thought I was.
Laugh if you will, but this is my life....pre-menopause, sleep deprived, stressed, mid-life crisis, stupidity, the list goes on....it will get better, right? RIGHT?

School's out

It's been a crazy week, actually it's been a crazy year but the last week of school seemed to be a fitting end to a very busy year.
Monday was our last 'Mom's breakfast' - we meet every Monday morning for breakfast after dropping the kids at school, our time to relax before starting our week. This is a few hours we all look forward to. After breakfast it was off to the school for the 'volunteer appreciation tea' held by the teachers of McDowell to thank all their volunteers.
Tuesday was the grade 5 and 6 annual 36K. bike ride to Wyman via the old railway bed. Ben asked me to go along so how could I refuse. Actually, I was tossing it around in my mind before he asked but since he is the child that demands the least amount of attention I was glad to go along. Ben's friend Matt persuaded his Mom, Kris, to go along too. We had a great time. Kris did a lot of complaining about her sore ass on the ride home. I do a lot more biking than she does so I was ok. I had been trying to get her out biking all spring, bet she wishes she had gotten a little more seat-time in. Her seat problem was good for a few days of laughter.
Wed., officially the first day of summer, was pretty quiet except for soccer. Alex wrote his last exam yesterday so it was off to the camp with Dad and Grandpa for a day of fishing (not back till tomorrow). I was looking forward to them going to the camp, things are always more relaxed when they are gone, two less to look after - meals don't have to be exactly on time....junk food time.
Thursday Ben and I were off to Mont Cascade for the class trip. Got some sun. Ben and his friends had a great time splashing down the water slides. I had a great time, always fun spending time with the school kids outside of school. Well, it was a good day except for when I dropped my Nikon D70s...there was a collective sigh from all the parents in the group because they know my camera goes everywhere with me. I was afraid to look at it. I was afraid it was toast. Not even a year old yet and the first thing that ran through my mind was that I don't have the money to replace it but can't live without it. If you ever have to decide whether or not to purchase a seemingly needless UV filter...GO FOR IT! I have had one on each of my cameras just as a safety cover to protect the lens...boy, talk about cheap insurance...that is all that was broken. Luckily my camera landed on the edge of the filter, the camera still works as good as usual...I was so lucky.
The day ended with a get-together at Wendy's for the Home and School. A few drinks, tasty snacks, a bit of foolishness in the pool, and wonderful friends - what a great way to let off steam after another busy and successful year of fundraising for our children's school. Yeah, sure, I started the water fight...but who got drenched? Always remember, pay back is a bitch! Look-out!
Friday - the last day of school - started with year-end awards handed out at school. Then it was off to the Café for a few mothers for our last lunch - you know, before the kids are out of school for the year....end of our freedom. Kris always has a last day of school pool party which has become a tradition that has followed her from Aylmer. Our kids now look forward to it....swimming, lots of food and drinks...time to let loose one more time with friends before parting for the summer. My kids are lucky, at least the two younger ones, their friends mostly all live in town so they can see them all summer but some kids go the whole summer hardly seeing friends so for some it is hard to say good-bye. I was one of those kids, I lived in the country and had to wait till the fall to see my friends again. Party started at 3 and ended at 8, the kids were becoming water logged by the time we finally hauled the last one out of the pool. If we could get the kids home and settled in there was still time for Me-time at the Café for some much deserved dessert. I spend most of my waking time with kids, either my own or at the school or now that summer is here, with half the kids in the neighborhood - Me-time is valuable...even if it means having a 1/2 hour at the end of the day for a walk or bike ride or dessert at the Café. I have become very aware of my need for downtime. I love my family but, we all need some time away to regenerate.
Not over yet, Saturday was soccer-day which meant spending most of the day at the soccer field, starting at 7:45. As much as I enjoy watching the kids play and as much as they enjoy playing it was time for it to be all over...we are all exhausted and tired of running here and there. The summer means doing what we want, when we want to. It means no routine, no schedules just taking life day by day. The lazy days of summer! Means spending time at the cottage with family and friends. Movie matinees. Bring it on! I am ready! After some much needed rest, that is.
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Some birthdays are not so bad!

Happy Birthday to me! Today, June 14, I turned 39 (again) - ok, so I turned 45 but I feel 39 and it's my birthday so I get to be as young as I want.
Usually I don't look forward to birthdays. I am at the point in my life where I would just as soon forget about my birthday...except for this year - for whatever reason, not that I was looking forward to it but it just didn't bother me. I really enjoyed this birthday and I have one person to thank...Kris - well, a few people, but Kris is the force behind it all. My birthday actually started on June 4th. when I was surprised with a birthday brunch at Café 349. Kris had asked me the day before if I wanted to go grocery shopping in Renfrew, sure I needed groceries and it is much more fun to go with Kris than to go alone. She said to be ready for 9:30 or 10:00 a.m. So I am up and ready and totally non-suspecting. First before leaving town she informs me we have to stop at the Café to take some photos for her realtor husband. Naturally I was curious why she needed to take these photos so I asked why, she gave me some lame reason and didn't think nothing more of it. I even went in with her, just to hang out and say "HI" to everyone working. As soon as I stepped in Ruth and the staff shouted 'Happy Birthday', I hardly believed it was meant for me, I almost turned around to see who came in behind me...she got me good!
So having had my birthday surprise I was totally not expecting another one today. This morning I met with Kris and a friend of ours to go over details to develope her (the friend) portfolio and website. We had earlier discussed meeting for lunch after I was done with my noon duties at the school, something about Kris being busy and not being able to make it till after I was done working, that's common. I was starved and could hardly wait, my mouth was watering thinking about the ceasar salad with grilled chicken I was going to order. Since I was heading to the Café I asked Viv, another friend that I work with, if she wanted to join us - sure she felt like a cup of coffee. We walked in and the staff, knowing it was my birthday, wished me a happy birthday.
The Café is our local great spot to eat and get the most delicious desserts. And as an added bonus Ruth, the owner, has become a fast friend and we (Kris, Viv and I) are friends with the staff - our kids are all friends, we are on committees together, we party together, we have monday breakfast together - you get the picture...we're friends.
Anyway, innocently I walked in and after the birthday wishes I ask if Kris and Terri have arrived yet, both are usually a little late, (yeah, yeah, I know - never late). I am told no, they haven't arrived yet so I continue to enter the Café and am headed to the counter when I happened to take a look to my left, to see how full the new restaurant part is, and there, to my total surprise, AGAIN, is a birthday party for me - complete with balloons. Kris sitting front and center, happy as all get-out because she has gotten my again. Ok, I have to agree - you're good!
The day started out good but I had a glitch thrown my way which could have made it totally bad but thanks to Kris and Terri and my wonderful friends who feted me again today, it was the bestest birthday I can remember since being a kid.

I have surrouned myself with great friends -
I am lucky.
I am blessed.
I am happy.
I am thankful for your friendship.

Thanks Kris, I am so blessed to have you in my life.
You are grace, you are kindness, you are my friend!
Hugs!

Friendship is a serious affection;
the most sublime of all affections,
because it is founded on principle,
and cemented by time.
(this verse was in the card Terri made for me today)

And except for the glitch, which involed #1 son, the rest of the my day was pretty perfect. Birthday supper at my Mom's with my twin brother and my family. This birthday was good, this birthday I enjoyed, this birthday I will remember for a very long time.